Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in crznrd8's LiveJournal:

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Friday, March 10th, 2006
3:33 am	eh? anyone else pissed off about love being my mood constantly? Current Mood: love (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 23rd, 2006
1:31 am	incognito the mosquito you know what pisses me off? people. when people say..."im gonna start doing things to make me happy" or when they say "im done with this". and no im not gonna sit here all high and mighty saying i have never done that kinda shit. but really...when ur saying that what are you really saying? the worlds a big peice of shit so im gonna join in for a while until i feel i cant anymore? or is that simply something we say for sympathy so people think we are doing great things with our life. whether or not it shows through our living situations. i just want people to stop. for a few seconds please. evaluate your life. take an entire conversation you have with someone and analyze yourself instead of the other person. try and figure out what you mean instead of what the other person means. put yourself in thier shoes and figure out what u might analyze yourself as meaning when u talk. and no dont do it for me or for someone u wanna help cus if your a selfish person who needs help and cant even see it then your not gonna do it for me or someone. do it for yourself because if life is fucking up all around you people are shitty to you and lives are destroying left and right. most of the time...ITS YOUR GOD DAMN FAULT! and no that doesnt mean go depressed and blame yourself huddle in a corner and suck your thumb while rubbing ky all over your penis too keep from hypothermia. it means getting up off your sorry ass looking at what your sitting on and picking the fucking needle up so its not up your ass. instead of yelling at people cus you got a needle up your ass. and if not..fuck off im tired of hearing your problems u dont wanna fix. Current Mood: love (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 22nd, 2005
1:21 am	standing up we all have to stand up at some point in life. usually the first time is quite physical getting off our feet and not crawling. and then many of us avoid ever crawling again as if its beneath us. as if somehow we have grown beyond that point and should never return. but the world wont let you do that. you have to return there at certain times because of the very fact that people need you. the world needs you. and often they need you to remove yourself from the style you have chosen the things you have risen up from to come down to thier level and help them up. of course you can choose not to but most people cant. without taking some kind of trip backwards to these times though, we can never appreciate what we have. ive seen people fallen in love and live perfect lives that billions upon billions would envy. but ive seen those same people constantly fall because they dont journey back in time to when they werent happy to respect the happiness they now have. and because of that they wind up loosing it. ive seen people jump into things they dont understand to forget things they understood too well or at least thought they did, and be afraid to look back on it. ive seen those same people find a happiness in something they dont understand or even enjoy and then at the height of thier happiness realize its not happiness at all. when you deny love happiness dreams and your heart whether you understand it or not you fall into a cycle. the hurt from denying those things clouds your mind and you must find a way aroound it. you exist without living a reckless burden on other beings. you simply entertain yourself with the tiny things you dont understand that bring you a happiness and no clarity but an ignorance of what was that your denying the memorys of. its at these times and decisions we have a choice. to continue the self perpetuating cycle of depression and fake happiness or to push yourself out of it to your own ruin or perhaps your greatest dreams. most people cant pull themselves out of these holes. we classify them as parentoholics, workoholics, psychoholics (my own word for people who rely on helping others to "fix" thier past and find happiness in it), alcoholics, and drugoholics etc. etc. but some people find some motivation to force themselves free of this inner prison. to swat away the flies of society that tell them this lifestyle is ok. and although i cannot criticize this lifestyle it never leaves room for growth and health. it only blocks off what might be and shuns what might not. its at these times we need to stand up. learn to walk when the world crawls. forget the perpetuating cycles of life and move on to the living of truely free existance. instead of remaining baricaded inside of us. we must "move on". and not how most people move on by finding something to occupy thier mind but truly moving on. instead of hiding from the pain living with the pain. and sometimes, most times when the pain is deep and meaningful and not just the pain caused by not getting our tuna sandwich, the change must be drastic. starting anew begining life from scratch with sandals on our feet and a shirt on our back. but few people will let a person just waste away. so the lifestyle of living while ignoring the pain existing without living life is helped along because of the compassion of others. no one can see a person dieing and just let them die when its a slow everyday painful death so life is supported in this non living way. a huge problem is actually giving up what you have even when its ruining your life and only you yourself can decide to do it and continue with it. your own s4elf motivation must get so overpowering it takes you out of teh cycle. but its at these times when you need someone to stand up for you, what you know is right and what you know you arent living up to. someone to say THIS PERSON IS RIGHT they understand they can live thier life and they have the ability to make the right decisions. and its when that is said that we can truely climb out of our holes and accept reality because we are here its what life is meant for its where life took us and it is life despite all else that happens its life and keeping ourselves caged is just as wrong as enslaving others. i have had 3 people stand up for me in my life. and never does it feel bad when someone stands up for you. sure it means nothing that another person agrees with you. it means nothing if you are shunned by a million people. but all the inner insecurity created by your own mind from those millions of people saying your ideas suck, is all washed away when you hear someone say i agree. when that one person says his opinion her opinion does matter at least to me. so if you care if someone matters to you stand up for them. maybe they dont need it. but maybe just maybe it will be the defining factor in them living thier life or just existing. -immortal wombat, existing. Current Mood: love (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 9th, 2005
1:25 am	the growing blog trends it seems everyones blogged lately, not just a blog but a question of thier own path in life. a mistake they made that haunts them to this day. theres no doubt that we all have haunting mistakes in our life many we cant or wont try to fix. some of us choose to live in regret and others use thier knowledge of thier mistakes to attempt to keep others from that same tragic flaw. often i beleive that the greater path is to attempt to help others with the mistakes that have been given to you in your life. this led me to one of my mistakes. a part of the reason im here at 1 o clock in the morning writing a blog. a part of the reason i will still be here at 430 in the morning doing the same thing as always. now some people like to make it sound poetic and shoot of words with no real meaning to explain what they want to keep hidden from the normal passersby or those who are trying to feed off others pain, sheudenfrueds, they use fancy words and the epitome of a poetic phrase to elevate the sences into a mood of sheer dramatic ecstasy. i write from the heart what i say i mean and what i care about i show. who knows how long ive been sitting in this chair day after day simply decaying in a room that smells entirely of me. ive learned a few things. one: a person can smell realy really bad. two: when the smell has embedded in the air around you its really hard to remove it, my customary five showers a day is barely enough. and the one that im blogging about 3: you can only help a person so much. have you ever tried to let a friend decide a major decision for you because they know whats best for you more than you yourself? try it its interesting. youll respect thier opinion and maybe try it a few days but you cant hold on to the motivation. in your heart you trust yourself and you eventually go with what you want to do. a freind can only give advice and as i saw it for a long time "watch a freind rape themselves." see them tumble fall and watch as they do it over and over seemingly just to hurt thier freinds and themselves. but you cant give up just because someone hurts themselves youve gotta be there. support them no matter how horrible they treat themselves keep being there supporting them and giving the same un heard advice over and over. seems obvious and simple. with me its never been about control its always bee3n about pain. who causes what pain to who it can be traced back to a source a decision a choice and a mistake in some peoples eyes. you cant stop the pain because its what we need to accept the world we live in. to care about the good the happiness the love the truth the great things in the world. we have to have the pain. its as held on to with such vigor and staunch determination as hope and love. pain is something we need so what can a person do about it? they can be there. allow pain to touch someones life without letting it destroy what theyve already worked to find. keep the pain from forcing them into hatred madness rage insanity whatever the force may bring. -the undeniabley never replicated only duplicated only explicated immortal wombat (half woman half bat). Current Mood: love (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 10th, 2005
12:32 pm	the important parts sometimes it appears giving in to love is giving up on life and sometimes giving in to life seems like giving up on love. but if theres one thing ive learned and i hope you can learn from waht i write all of you its that the cover of a book should be its judgement but only after youve read the book. when you can see the cover for what it is. the pages of a lemony snicket book are apparently ripped and glued into the binding from a glance but if you read the story understand the meaning behind it those little ripped pages and overly barbaric appearance is just showing the truth behind it if your actually willing to look. its crazy how much a difference something can be in actuallity i mean look at one of your closest friends and notice when they do certain things people find appauling or just odd and realize why u dont fidn those weird. u understand the meaning behind it you can comprehend the internal message being presented. oh yes books can be judged by thier covers but so often when htey are its incorrectly. the person sitting on the side of the road with the homeless sign could be the crack addict you beleive him to be. he could be a rich man who simply does this thing on the weekends to enjoy his life a little more. or he could be that same man you saw the other day at your work get fired because he broke up with the bosses daughter and that same day his kid was killed and all his money went to hte funeral costs for his child and now he sits on the street because he cant get back into his life because he has no one to lean on nothing to keep him occupied and nowhere to go except the cemetary every monday morning to see what his last thousand dollars bought. judge books by thier cover but dont stick with one judgement and dont let it cheat you out of a good friend. theres my blog for tonight and goodnight. Current Mood: love Current Music: out of my mind (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 4th, 2005
3:53 pm	this is incredibly outdated but i posted it on myspace and just reread it and its pretty amazing i think. as i sit here tonight i look longingly at a changed picture on a myspace icon that i cannot click on a place i cannot go because of my agreeance on a forbiddance to a sacred spot. a dream of a place i worry and long for. the words of an angel even if not sung are still the words of an angel. can one be restricted from an angel. only by ones own will power can one keep themselves from something as great as an angel. i sit here tonight trying to find loopholes in logic and morality to find a way to that site to see the words of an angel again. a craving and desire that cant be squelched because of the moral obligation to myself and my own feelings keeping me from intruding on a life i never entered. trying to get a grip on reality is fine if you have accepted your own futility in the face of unsurmountable odds. god has a path for all of us even those who arent in his light he has a path if they should chose it only. is my path to be a beacon along the road on the way of god shining uselessly for that one straggler from the lamb? my destiny to sit entirely still instead of head out on grand adventures and fight the future and headlong into the so called "fate" that dooms each and every human being? and which is a more respectable fate? the one who decides to live a life of extreme danger and cost to see through to stronger days or the person forced to sit in one spot with nothing for a future that no one can see except that it remains on that stagnant pregnant spot of unharvested earth? can either be measured or determined? many could accept a life of hardship if it meant adventure and great knowledgable rewards, how many could accept a future with no possible change and a seat in one position for a simple thought that changes someones mind from a path previously fated?what human would choose to be a stop-sign instead of a car? thats just the point no human being would choose that life they would simply be thrust there without choice. and yet we still give praise to the car the one whose life we would have chosen had we got the chance we give praise to those destined to do great things because we simply cant see how great and envious that stop-signs life is. how many lives does a car save? how many a stop-sign? even if indirectly, does that make the car greater than the stop sign? then why do we praise and lift up the car for its great things? simply because its easy to understand a car doing great things but no one cares to praise the stop-sign. this is my praise to all stop-signs: since you will never get respect, you will never be noticed, and you will do the most for this world and without any recognition. you are what matters in this world "stop-signs" and im glad you exist because without you we would truly be lost. - i love you Current Mood: love Current Music: old fashioned love song (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
5:19 pm	the purpose of high school (from a semi-unique perspective) WARNING OPINION DONT OVERINDULGE: the purpose of high school is to beat the shit out of you. its clear and simple and to the point. all the crap and fruity fairytale beleifs a person has are knocked out of them and a lust for truth is inserted throughout the years. alot of teachers have you do this but i suggest write something to yourself your goals your dreams and hten read it after you graduate. it makes a nice contrast and makes you really understand your growth as a person. anyway i found it pretty kewl. basically two types of people come out of high-school whether they graduate or not. the people whose beleifs have been strengthened who are ready to go out there and live thier lives and push towards a shining ball in the sky we all call success. now not all these people who do this have good beleifs some have horrible beleifs in manipulating hte game and reach for success by stepping on people but are none the less people who come out of high school with thier beleifs reaffirmed. the second group of people are the people who decide to find themselves. the summer after graduation is often their tiem for disapearing from the world for a while and finding where they are supposed to fit in the things they find they still care about after being detached from life for a while and what they are meant to do in this life. some of my closest friends are "leaving" for a while because they have found this to be their calling at hte moment to find themselves. basically if you have any beleifs that arent "societal" such as love or santa or the tooth fairy or w/e (those are obvious beleifs but most of the time its little things like how people act). those beleifs will by smooshed out of you as well as they can. you'll learn that there is no one to trust but yourself and each person themselves. rumors and guilty feelings errode peoples minds and leave in its place cancerous hatred that causes feelings of discord and jealousy to fill the truth. some people go through and only wind up trusting themselves because they trusted so many people who lied to them. some people wind up loosing all their freinds because they know the truth and wont hide it from their freinds who beleive in what is convenient. and some people go home without a diploma to a father who beleives a diploma is all that matters, an uncle who cares enough to not shove guilt down his throat, and enough ingredients to make a coconut/banana cake like thing for fathers day with a single thought and person on their mind, and the freinds who care and matter enough to help him know that even though his opinions are rare they are closer to the truth than most. i love you Current Mood: love Current Music: anything by jeremy robeson (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 11th, 2005
9:37 pm	bridged There's a man hanging from a bridge. He knows he has the ability to continue hanging until someone can come to rescue him. He also knows if he lets go he will die. But to continue hanging he must put all his efforts into his hanging and not move his feet or try anything but hang. His "life" is essentially taken away from him by meer chance. Nothing can be blamed, in fact no one is quite sure how he got there. His body is easy enough to control towards hanging on but his mind is another matter. All he wants is to be able to get up on the bridge and move his body and live his life. But for now he can't, there is no way to live his life here. Even if he could somehow live here he wouldnt be able to move so he couldnt enjoy it. The first day the man dreams of nothing else other than living his life the way he was. He has no thoughts of falling or letting go of the bridge because he can hold on. As the days go by, he continues to look on his dream and it gives him strength but every so often he delves back into reality and realizes that he's so far from where he wants to be. As the days press on its harder to focus on what he wants and he starts focusing on reality and the bridge continues to get harder and harder to hold onto. One day he looks down, he sees the water below him and thinks "awe what great fun and peace would i have if i just let go, sure id be dashed upon the rocks and loose all this time wasted on this bridge and never have my dream come back, but oh to have those few seconds of freedom again." So each day the man is greeted with that same question, whether he should hold out and keep fighting because he's fought in the past or let go and have a few moments of peace. As each day passes he realizes the time he will have to live his dream if he gets off this bridge is only getting shorter and the time he would have to fall is staying the same so as each day presses on the thought of letting go gets more tempting. But also the man sees that each day he has wasted more time on this bridge fighting every day to stay up there. So he stays, but thoughts continue to enter his mind. He thinks "what if i slip anyways and can't enjoy my fall? Then what have i fought for?" So slowly his dream goes from living as he once did to dreaming about those few seconds of falling. He even finds himself smiling again at the posibility of just being able to be at peace for a few moments. And eventually he forgets all together what he dreamt of in the first place. Some days he calls out to people passing over the bridge and they shout down things like "you can get up yourself, theres not much skill in it, besides the authorities have more important things to do than listen to your sob story." Its hideously obvious these people dont have a clue what its like. But he can't blame them because if he had a choice he'd probably be up there saying the same to some other fool down here. Each day is a little more strain, each day is a little more of a hard choice, and each day the choice is as clear as day. Does the story end? What happens to this man? Can anyone answer that? I am this man. The ending has not yet occured. There may never be an ending. Thousands of possibilities of ending and this one isn't known. Maybe some day down the road you'll hear of me and think "how'd that story end?" Good question. Good question. i love you Current Mood: love Current Music: dream big (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 9th, 2005
11:01 pm	hum? AIMSN: fuck that AIMSN: you know what? AIMSN: i dont need you AIMSN: dont talk to me AIMSN signed off at 10:25:21 PM. hmmm. i dont need you eh? i wonder how many times ive said that directly to you. you dont need me. youve got it all figured out. you arent gonna have any problems. no you are simply so grown up and mature that you have your life planned out and no one cares about you or knows how your decisions could hurt you. sarcasm is no ones friend. harsh brutality isnt either. and continually laughing about an issue that is serious whether you find it serious or not never helps a person. im glad you said what you said becasue you finally admited the truth for once! you said what you meant and its about time. i promised id be there, so i couldnt leave via my own choice. but you set me free. nonetheless i said i wont leave so i will be here with no problem listening to you. you simply made it so i dont have to watch you fall. its to painful to see people hurt themselves because they dont care to listen to what otehrs have to say. they listen to the one person who says they respect their decisions because it jsut makes it easier to accept reality if your decision is right. im sorry you feel the way you do about things but im not trying to change that. i accept you for who you are but that does not mean i will watch you take the knife out of my sink to plunge it through your heart. if you make the choice to do things your own way without care for others then you make the choice to make that decision on your own. and therefore take the consequences on your own. meaning that i wont pity you when u fall, i wont cry or weep. i wont say i told you so but i cant care. because if you took a few seconds to look youd see where your going. and no one chooses that path they choose your choice. and it leads them to that path. if i could i would keep you from even starting but youve made it clear i cant. so im simply stuck with the idea of writing here cus as long as i have life i will try to help you even if you dont want it. i care about you but you simply think i dont understand who or what you are the fact is no matter who or waht you are i dont want to see you hurt. unfortunately thats where you choose to go...all i can do is pray and my prayer is already taken up with other matters. im sorry this is all i can do for you...i wish i could help u see. Current Mood: love Current Music: L O V E (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
9:53 am	life is but a dream life is butt (a dream)- li po Current Mood: love Current Music: anything hummed right now (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 4th, 2005
8:26 pm	truth i cant speak with people who beleive in lies. now im not saying i know everything (even though some of you often say that about me) im saying there are some things that are fact. if a person dies its a fact and you have to come to grips with that. there are certain things that cant be denied. if your willing to deny the truth i cant talk to you. at least not above hmm yeah okay hi in w/e order floats your boat. if your not willing to hear the truth i suggest you tell me to go away cus if you want to talk to me i will tell you the truth and thats pretty much it. sure sometimes ill send up my opinion but usually when its opinion im pretty good at marking it as an opinion. if its something about the way i feel or the way i am as a person, youll simply have to trust me on that because you simply dont know who i am or why i make decisions no matter how well you think you do know me. i dont lie to myself about the truth and the truth is something i will not ignore. its who i am and a part of what makes me me. if you think im talking about you and you "dont need this right now" then i suggest you stop reading. if you dont need this right now then remove me from contact, because its who i am that leads me to telling you what i do. if you cant handle the truth or you dont enjoy the truth then your not unlike alot of people and i dont blame you at all. but you should not be my freind if thats how you feel. because who i am will not change and unfortunately i doubt who you are will either. maybe youll read this maybe you wont. but seriously you need to make up your mind. you care about people its fair alot of people do but if you cant care because its hard for you to handle then dont u dont have to its that simple and i wont and dont hold anything against you. however, you need to make it clear to me. you cant just keep doing this whole "stop talking to me" then a lil while later going "please talk to me" its sick and twisted and its a mind game that is slowly getting less and less careing out of me. i care for you but if this sick game keeps up it will go away, because im not in love with you. you know who im in love with and that flame will never dwindle u dont seem to understand that but as of right now i still care for you. but this middle ground you keep taking is assanine and im tired of it. i cant have someone who's middle ground all the time. you have an opinion so voice it already. if you want me around listen to me if you dont then push me away damnit. make up your mind which is more important to you cus i cant stand this middle ground bullshit. i wont make the decision for you ive promised you that. you have to make a decision and if you say you want me around listen to what i have to say instead of going away because you dont like it. as for the comparing yourself to me. you dont understand how i feel so how can you compare yourself? how can you say you can feel like something you arent grasping? im not saying your dumb or unemotional by any means in fact you wouldnt feel the way you do if you were. im saying that you are not right in this situation and your convinced you are. im sorry but this is the truth i have to get out. when it comes to how i feel what i feel you are not an expert. only i am and i dont pretend to be an expert on how you feel i dont know how you feel and you dont seem to care to tell me, perhaps because you think id judge you for how you feel. whatever the reason i dont know and i dont pretend to but damnit make a decision. take all of me or take none of me dont try putting me on a fence and only taking my right leg. a person can be kicked only so many times by a person they dont "love" in the sense im talking about. i could be kicked and drug through the street forever and still love who i love. you are a freind and i could use the word love but its not the same i respect you i care about you and i would do all that i thought possible to help you in any situation but if you keep kicking me like this confusing me with what you say misinterpreting the truth and flip-flopping every other second im going to loose what feelings i have for you. thats all i can say im sorry but its the way i feel and its truth. Current Mood: love Current Music: oh canada (Comment on this)
Monday, May 30th, 2005
9:36 pm	sorry i had to do it too! so my freind singalong_steve had a conversation with this guy so i figured id mess with him because his conversation had hillarious side effects and i was bored this is how it commenced: CrzNrd8: wurd g SquizDiz69: who is dis CrzNrd8: no one really SquizDiz69: who is dis CrzNrd8: my name? CrzNrd8: dale SquizDiz69: dale who CrzNrd8: dale leigh SquizDiz69: do i know u CrzNrd8: i dont think u do SquizDiz69: then how did u get my sn CrzNrd8: from a freind of a freind of a friend of a freind SquizDiz69: ight where u live CrzNrd8: camas washington! SquizDiz69: do u know lithium386 CrzNrd8: yeah! SquizDiz69: hes a bitch CrzNrd8: lol SquizDiz69: and so r u CrzNrd8: thats nice CrzNrd8: but im not sure what that makes me really SquizDiz69: r u gay CrzNrd8: happy yeah im happy CrzNrd8: but no i dont like boys SquizDiz69: bull shit u love the cock u little bitch CrzNrd8: okay then i guess i love the cock if you say so CrzNrd8: cus u have control over my sexual oreintation SquizDiz69: shit SquizDiz69: u wish u lil homo SquizDiz69: go suck a dick CrzNrd8: fine CrzNrd8: *sigh* SquizDiz69: bitch blow ur fuckin head off CrzNrd8: why? SquizDiz69: cuz all fags should be executed CrzNrd8: really? well then i shouldnt be executed CrzNrd8: cus im not a cigarette SquizDiz69: yeah definetly should be CrzNrd8: so then why should i be executed? CrzNrd8: cus im not a fag SquizDiz69: no cuz ur a fuckin queer CrzNrd8: oh i see CrzNrd8: so im not a fag CrzNrd8: but a queer SquizDiz69: do u know mobnmuhblackt CrzNrd8: well i didnt know you were saying both fags and queers should be executed CrzNrd8: not really CrzNrd8: but im talking to him CrzNrd8: or her CrzNrd8: or it CrzNrd8: idk CrzNrd8: i havent asked SquizDiz69: nigga u need to die SquizDiz69: i dont like u CrzNrd8: thats fine your welcome to not like me SquizDiz69: so stop talkin to me befor i come to washington to slit ur throat CrzNrd8: alright CrzNrd8: ill stop talking to you CrzNrd8: but i want you to know CrzNrd8: i dont care if you slit my throat SquizDiz69: bitch i said stop fuckin talkin CrzNrd8: y? SquizDiz69: look u little bitch ass mother fucker i aint playin fuckin games wit u im seriously bouts to come to washington to kill u SquizDiz69 signed off at 9:27:59 PM. CrzNrd8: i doubt you could find it by yourself Current Mood: superior intellectually Current Music: anything ignorant (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
9:38 pm	today i feel absolutely horrible. no particular reason it just seems as if so many things hurt. and my thoughts lean to a place i know i dont want to go. so here is my little blowing of hot air... i am in love. yes, with a girl. and theres tons of things you can say about it. yes, she is the perfect person for me. yes, we may not ever be together. yes, i hurt her somehow and dont know what to do about it. yes, it makes me feel like crap knowing how many people care so much for me and knowing that the one i want is the one i cant have. and every time i talk to her she is hurt by it and in turn im hurt cus i feel ive caused it somewhat. theres no one to blame and im really not trying to guilt anyone here just saying how i feel. im completely helpless in this situation because i can do nothing but wait and it affects people around me. my depressive feelings because of this cause people to talk about me and feel sorry for me and i just wish they wouldnt please. today in class my teacher was low on orange juice for some project. and had no money for any from the vending machines. so i gave her some money and told her not to pay me back. so she announced it to everyone in class... i dont know why but it hurt i guess i dont want people thinking im a nice person or i just want to be able to do things without having people care for me cus i hurt them. i dont know i havent analyzed it enough yet to know maybe u can give me some idea as to why that made me feel so bad? if you do comments would be nice. i feel completely apart from so many people. everyone seems locked away inside some kind of glass case and i cant get to them. this used to make me feel special and worth having around. now it makes me feel sick and wrong as if ive destroyed so many they have locked me out. a freind of mine is living his life with little problem. he treats me really well and hes a great person and we get along with eachother despite everything but i just dont really care much for him. i mean i enjoy having him as a freind and everything but for some reason i cant find myself careing for him as a person. does that make me sick? it feels wrong but its simply how i feel. another freind of mine put her life on the line a while back. and it shook me up alot. she cares so much for me and i for her too almost as if we are like both parents of the other person. we want to help eachother so much and we love eachother (as friends) so much. i betrayed her trust and she put her life on the line. it scarred me i was and still am so afraid of loosing her cus she means so much to me. if i lost her i wouldnt be able to live and i know that for sure because im close enough to that point now id go crazy. and yet its a selfish reason to care for her. because i couldnt take the loss of her being gone from my life. i cant seem to stop crying, a few months ago i though of myself as one of those hard people who cries at almost nothing and now i find myself crying every day at some point in time for whatever random reason. mostly when i blog like right now. theres just something a little more powerful even to me about putting things into concrete words. i lost someone on i think november 5th in my life. the first real person who i cared about to die in my life. a person who spent her entire life doing things for other people and she could have done anything with her life. she was a great person who so happened to die in a car wreck. a person i hated, for whatever reasons i dont even remember, has finally been revealed to me. a person who is amazing in every way and she is such a great person i love it when she talks to me. no i dont love her. but god i wish i had known her because she is just an amazing person and so intelligent and so nice and everything. people treat her badly sometimes call her dumb and wow im so amazed at her shes nothing like i thought. i cant really explain it because ill just keep saying wow and amazed but i think you understand. someone asked me a while back "so dale,...how do you justify your existance." i came up with some smartass answer and laughed it off. i simply cant justify my existance i dont know maybe thats how its supposed to be. and then i have one person who barely knows me telling me im a great person and i beleive it because its the only thing i have at all to cling too. the words of a person i barely know who barely knows me. idk i just need to set some things out there cus they really hurt and putting them down concretely makes it a little better. i know my own answer for every single one of these things but on some days its hard to beleive that answer as simple as it is. today i cant seem to beleive anything i beleive thats good. i havent been to church in over 3 weeks and i really miss the people there who care about me and show it every time i see them it helps alot especially when im in this position its not something i need but something i could always count on. i cant get transportation because of my dad and myself, i wrecked the car but its fixed now. and he wont let me have the car to get anywhere so i can get away from this pain somehow. and i opened up my backpack and my new 150 dollar gameboy is broken that my dad just bought for me like a little while ago. im not graduating this year to the disapointement of everyone in my life because they dont care to listen to anything i have to say they just want me to graduate. and the shower isnt working cus the hot water is messed up cyberchase isnt a good episode at all. and im passing my classes even though i dont deserve to be passing them ive done nothing in any of them since hte semester and somehow i have D-'s. cept for english. id hoped to go to church but my uncle isnt home yet and he is the only one who could take me there. so many things happening and no one wants to give me a break or help me except 3 or 4 people who would actually do something to help and those people i care about so much i dont want to hurt them by causing them to do things for me. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (thank you im done) Current Mood: love Current Music: innocent man-billy joel (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 15th, 2005
8:24 pm	love hurts? anyone who says love hurts is full of shit or has never been in love. love is amazing its great and its the only thing in this world that doesnt hurt. its lack of love that hurts. every time your hurt its because of some lack of love on someones part. either you didnt love someone and you hurt them or they dont love you and so you are hurt and they feel guilty. every time your hurt, when someone says that your fat or ugly or mean and it hurts you its because they dont love you. if youve ever hurt someone its because you arent thinking of them because you dont love them or because they dont feel the same way you do and thier guilt causes them pain. theres always a lack of love, if someone has love they are not the ones at fault, they can never be the ones who are wrong because they have love. love is the only thing that is worth trusting because its the only thing that is right constantly. thats why god is worthy of our trust because he is like an embodiement of love. the greatest people in life arent those that gain the most succes its those people who gain the most for other people because of how much they love them. so love. please, im not saying stop hating people im saying stop being neutral to people also, dont compromise and instead of hating someone just be indifferent to them, love people, love everyone. and life will never be wrong. Current Mood: loveing Current Music: love hurts (Comment on this)
Friday, May 13th, 2005
9:08 pm	i dont know what to do i dont know what to do anymore, i cant find anything that gives me any happiness anymore. i grit my teeth when i laugh or smile, i close my eyes sometimes and i dont think anyone notices but its because im crying and i dont want anyone to see my tears. everything hurts and i dont know what to do. i cant concentrate on anything well enough to do anything worthwhile anymore. i cant even tolerate most people for more than a few seconds that i could easily tolerate before. i cant help but simply miss people who i love and care about. the closest thing to joy i can even find is in riding my bicycle because you have to concentrate so intently on everything. each time a car drives by i hear it coming and think maybe just maybe this one will end it and give me some peace. i still talk to god often as usual i still listen for him but i hear alot less. can't something get her off my mind for 1 second? please please dear god i dont know what to do. Current Mood: lost Current Music: i dont wanna miss a thing- aerosmith (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 7th, 2005
11:13 pm	amazing many of you knew me back when i was amazed. when every little thing would somehow catch my eye and be wonderful. i was perfectly happy knowing that i was simply part of a world in which so many things happened in some kind of harmonious balance. even in utter chaos it seemed everything just keep working like a well oiled cog in a watch. and id sit and watch a bird fly in the sky for literally hours while on my back in the grass in the rain. i loved that time i loved who i was, why oh why did it have to change? im so glad i was able to know and touch and have so many people remember me from when i was me. but "me" has died and im not sure if anything has replaced it or if im just an empty shell now. dont get me wrong im content with where i am im just setting things straight for idk i guess the record books or for those few people who are actually fooled by my kewl guy facade. i saw a bird today swoop down off a powerline onto the top of a tree and about 3 seconds after landing gracefully he just fell out of the tree as if he had been shot. just fell no diving or flying out he just fell. i dont think he had been shot or attacked or anything, it just looked like he completely gave up. im not trying to symbolize anything with that im just comparing it. i simply shook my head and walked away, i didnt sit on the grass. i didnt inspect the bird. i didnt look up at the sky and just let my memories drift away in the cool summer breeze. i shook my head and walked away. Current Mood: solemn Current Music: rock a by baby (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
9:25 pm	the RACE is on! so its started and im now taking bets! what will kill me first? 1. emotions/suicide 2. mind/insanity 3. body/sickness 4. god/mercy taking bets now put your money down and we will all see...eventually. Current Mood: emo Current Music: i dont wanna miss you tonight-googoodolls (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 28th, 2005
6:41 pm	convenient recollection im often amused at how easily something can be misinterpreted. one day a person shows up with a pocket knife at school and two weeks later he had a gun and shot a person with it in the bathroom. its often called by psychologists convenient recollection, its a phase where people warp the truth to become what they think is easiest for their lives to go on peacefully. if a person acts differently they are the ones wigging out not us. if a project we planned out goes wrong its that we didnt have enough time. and we truly beleive what we say when we say these kinds of things. even the simplest compliment can be misinterpreted by a person whom has the purest of intentions just because they may have an outlook of a certain person whom they dont like or beleive they have seen horrible things done by this person just because it has changed their reality and so they think everything that person says is wrong. many of you have heard me mope and mope and mope and mope about love alot lately and frankly im probably more sick of it than you but nonetheless im forced to listen to it because its where im at in life right now. its simple its pure and despite what some people may think of it, its right and just. the simplest thing i can say is that it fell apart because she chose to lie about it and i chose not to let her. i still feel that its the best thing for me to have done because a person who is in a lie can do nothing not even help themselves. the problem is simply that in the process i became evil in her eyes. she would deny this but she has this monsterous form of me embrazened in her mind simply because by knowing the truth it made her world harder. i think we can all relate to that in some way, at least the part about how truth often makes life harder. but tonight i feel even more confident of what has happened and my only hope is that she may see one day in the future that someone truly did care for her in such a way as to destroy thier very existance to try and do the thing she needed, not to make her feel guilt, not to make her "come to her senses" but to simply make her realize the truth that she veils from herself. i will never regret a moment of my life and this feels incredibly opening on my part to say something so incredibly close to my heart to people who are complete strangers in some cases but im definitely glad that time comes and goes and with it i come and go. each day brings new treasures when a person opens up the box of truth and lets its freedom pour over them like a waterfall. and i personally would rather live wet and dampened by truth than locking myself inside that same box with lies. Current Mood: dreamy Current Music: i feel so alive- P O D (Comment on this)
Monday, April 25th, 2005
9:48 pm	secret i feel i should post cus im hiding a secret one that will most likely remain until someone actaully cares. i had a car accident the other night while coming home from church. ive always been the kind of person to not really care about my well-being in the sense of if i could help another person in any way whatsoever id run to their rescue even if i was going to get punished for something else. lately im much more self-destructive in many ways, in stead of needing a reason or a person who needs help id just do something worth getting punished for anyway. i dont find it "wrong" because im under this sad strange beleive that im affecting only my life. but thats a load of shit and im tired of people using it so im not going to use it. either way im tired in every goddamn way. ive never cursed so much in my life than i have lately. and i try passing it off to friends as some kind of joke but its getting so prevalent that even that doesnt work. im just tired of having no control over even myself anymore. i would kinda like a little more than this life, and yet i dont want to take anything from someone else, i mean lets face it that would make my entire life up until now completely useless. its wierd im teetering on an edge of a decision thats been made since i was born almost, two distinct lives ive been deciding towards one all my life and now. im given the choice of throwing everything i have away and starting anew. its such a freeing decision to throw everything away and just ignore it sooo incredibly tempting. and yet i cant deny to the person i am that it would be teh wrong decision. so what is it? all me or no me? give it up or keep it on. burdens come in many forms and other people just dont ever truly get it. i dont find hypocrits bad because i know most hypocrits are just people who other people dont care to take the time to understand why they do what they do. its sad sometimes what people miss when they walk through the hallways every day. you see a person make an honest innocent jest toward someone and yet u know that when they go home tonight they will slice off a large peice of skin because of what was said. and if anyone knew what they did they would call her a hypocrite. because she wakes up the next morning and starts joking about people who cut themselves to get the pressure off herself. who understands anything except their own life? show me one person who understands over their own life truly and ill show u a happy person, content enough in their own existance that they spend enough time to care about someone truly and deeply. for most people theres an initial tug on their hearts to "love" a person they meet. who feels a tug on their heart for teh shy girl in the back of the class? and why is it when that initial tug goes away we stop caring and move on to the next unsuspecting victim of the game we play with peoples hearts? the simplest move the slightest stroke of a hand can ripple into a change in an entire place but when we dont care at all what we do to other people or when we just dont care enough to learn what we do to them then its millions of simple moves and millions of slight strokes of the hand rippleing in unison and causing so many ripples concentrated on everyone. heres my suggestion and im going to try and do it to the best of my abilty because if i cant ill be lost forever to what i am becomeing. every time you have a desire at all for anything stop and dont act upon it instead find something you can do for someone else to meet their desires. and each time you have a desire either write it down or log it away in some kind of place and look at yourself and find out what u care about and why you chase it. deserve is a word no one should use anymore. its just bullshit. if u want to take it from a god standpoint. we essentially "deserve" to be dead right now. if you take it from every other persons standpoint everyone but them "deserves" worse than they have except for a few close people who are allready giving them whatthey think they deserve. and if you take it from a wordly standpoint no one gets what they deserve anyway theres no point in having that word so lets just not use deserve again cus its not needed. i dont know what ive said and i dont really know if i care to know what i said anymore but i guess its okay anyway. Current Mood: fuck Current Music: shes a man eater-hall n oates (1 Comment |Comment on this)
7:50 am	2005 in summary i had a quick lil conversation of wit today as i left a classroom feeling overwhelmed. misc person in hallway- how u doing? dale- killing myself slowly. misc person- killing yourself slowly eh? well u know your best friends can only help that. thats it. quick convo to sum up what life has been since 2005 began. Current Mood: assholeish Current Music: im an asshole- denis leary (Comment on this)